"I write differently from what I speak, I speak differently from what I think, I think differently from the way I ought to think, and so it all proceeds into deepest darkness" - Franz Kafka
If I never have the talent to write books or newspapers articles, I can always write for myself. But I want to achieve more than that. I can’t imagine having to live like my father, and all the people who go on about their work and are then forgotten. I need to have something besides a wife and children’s to devote myself to! I don’t want to have lived in vain like most people. I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I’ve never met. I want to go on living even after my death. This may sound like an extremely selfish dream of mine, but it is in fact my dream, if you compare it to the dreams we have when we sleep, how is it any different. It’s mine and mine only...
Though, no matter how well I know myself, and no matter how well I write about myself. I’m constrained of communicating who I am through language. Which isn’t equipped in describing the complexities of emotions and human nature. Communicating through language requires me to translate my emotions, which are innately wordless and abstract, impulsive reactions to the things I experience in the world around me, which are already automatically getting translated into these emotions I speak of. These impulsive reactions are then based on my past life experiences, prejudices, morals, and values. Which no other human on earth could possibly replicate, or as hard as they might try, truly walk in my shoes.
Therefore, the translation process consists of:
Preconceived beliefs / Learned Responses > Life Events (absolutely any situation) > Reactions/Emotions > Language > You
There is so much that is potentially lost in each step, and I struggle to deal with the very real possibly that maybe no one will ever understand me, and I will never truly know someone else.
The fact that I can’t be in someone else’s head for a day means I’m stuck knowing someone as well as their ability to translate themselves to me, no more. You can make assumptions, but that’s not truly knowing someone, that’s stereotyping them into a group that makes us think we know someone better than we do, but we’re all much more complex than the stereotypes we’re grouped into.
What am I trying to do? I feel misunderstood, I’m trying to identify and align whatever is lost in the translation of my self-identity to my identity to you. You’re having the same issue, regardless if you know it or not, so we can multiply this by 2x and now we can understand why this is so complicated. Going one step further, the whole world feels like this. So whatever we are, whatever you’re feeling, we’re all feeling it. This is how everyone feels. The loneliness of our minds, the ever knowing fact that all you have is yourself. I can’t help but think that we are always misunderstanding this fact and therefore, misunderstanding one another.
Imagine me as you imagine yourself. Judge me off my intentions, as you judge yourself off of yours, and not solely by my actions. Otherwise we will never understand each other, anymore than we don’t understand ourselves
I feel we aren't equipped in having the tools to know ourselves. It could be that our consciousness is in-equipped to deal with itself.
So, in an attempt to use the free tools available online. I will expose myself entirely, I have done every personality test known to man and the results are in:
Myers Briggs Personality Test:
I am an INFJ-A, sometimes though an ENFJ-A. It depends on the seasons or how much sleep I'm getting (I don't know). This means "I tend to approach life with deep thoughtfulness and imagination. Their inner vision, personal values, and a quiet, principled version of humanism guide them in all things.".
I am the rarest personality type of all. That doesn't do much other than boost my ego.
Big Five Test:
Neuroticism refers to the tendency to experience negative feelings.
Score: 55 - Low. I have low levels of Anxiety, Depression, and Self-consciousness. high Anger, meaning when things don't go my way I get annoyed.
Extraversion is marked by pronounced engagement with the external world.
Score: 87 - High. I have high levels of Cheerfulness, Friendliness, Assertiveness, Activity, and Excitement-Seeking, but low Gregariousness. This all means I like speaking out, am likable and fun to be around but dislike being with people sometimes and have a high need my privacy and time to themselves. I thought this area was funny.
Openness to Experience describes a dimension of cognitive style that distinguishes imaginative, creative people from down-to-earth, conventional people.
Score: 106 - High. High all across the board in this one, but unsurprisingly to me, I was low in Adventurousness, meaning I tend to feel uncomfortable with change and prefer familiar routines.
Agreeableness reflects individual differences in concern with cooperation and social harmony. Agreeable individuals value getting along with others.
Score: 79 - High. High in Trust, Altrusium, Corporation. Mid in Sympathy. Low in Morality and Modesty. All ultimately means, I am not cynical (kinda surprising, I believe I can be), I think I am better than people and I believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary.
Conscientiousness concerns the way in which we control, regulate, and direct our impulses.
Score: 71 - low. Netural across the board in: Orderliness, Dutifulness, Achievement-Striving, Self-Discipline, Catiousness. But high in Self-Efficacy. All ultimately means I have moments of impulseness, can be careless, don't aim extremly high and I am highly confident in myself.
Difficult Person Test:
This one is an interesting test as analyses only negative traits. I urge you to do this one as well. It doesn't make you feel all that great.
As you can see I am highest in this order: Grandiosity, Callousness, Manipulativeness, Risk-Taking, Aggression, Dominance, Suspicion.
More of less saying, I have a think I am more important than I am, I lack empathy or concern for others, Engage in risky behavior for the sake of experiencing thrills.
Fictional Character Test (for funsies):
Ava, is a AI character from Ex Machina. She is extremely smart due to having the worlds biggest search engine archive as her mind. Despite the huge database at her disposal, Ava is very interested in the lives of the humans she comes across. Throughout the film she is shown to reflect human emotions and often poses as a far more vulnerable person than she actually is.
So that's it!
This is me reduced down - written on paper.